Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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