this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
