I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
