Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
