I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
