You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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