Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
