lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
