WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
