I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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