I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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