He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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