Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
whose parrot is this?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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