sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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