the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Actions speak louder than pants.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
