this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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