Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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