Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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