No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I looked at my own cervix.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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