Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
