your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
