dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
