hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
