Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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