They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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