i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
