I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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