He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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