It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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