i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
