9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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