I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
