Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
