I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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