you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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