At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
