the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
