he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
