what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
