I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
