apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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