you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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