Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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