I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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