Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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