There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
