if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
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