So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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