oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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