is your mom at the bar?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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