I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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