I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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