my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
